The Catholic Experience

CA: Welcome to the Catholic experience,
aka the Catholic adventure podcast.

Like me, the podcast has
multiple personalities.

So it needs two names.

I'm going to talk to you a
little bit about that a little

later in the show today.

I'm actually talking to
you about trusting in God.

Do you trust in the Lord?

Do you really think you trust in God?

Do you have perfect trust in God?

You have confident trust in God.

I'm going to tell you
the honest to God truth.

I don't think I do.

I'm going to talk about that today.

It's Monday, March 17th in
the year of our Lord 2025.

And again, thank you for joining me.

Let's get right on to it.

So I don't, uh, I haven't
been very active lately.

If you're following the podcast feed, you
will know that I haven't published a new

show in maybe about a month at this point.

I have not been active on socials.

I have not been including X where
I was always very active and TikTok

where I had become very, very active.

You may or may not have noticed
that I actually took down all of

my content from YouTube and TikTok.

What's that about?

I'm going to talk to you about that
at the bottom of this show because

what we're going to talk about at the
top of this show is kind of related.

Okay, so we're going
to save that for later.

All right.

So first, once again,
thank you for joining me.

If you're following the podcast feed
I hope you didn't miss me too much.

And if you're listening to this show
for the first time man, I guess I'm

going to drop some history here on you
that you're completely oblivious to.

Or is that oblivious of?

Anyhow, let's get on, on with it.

We're talking about trust in God today.

For me, that's a very,
very difficult thing.

It's hard to trust in God.

It's very hard for me to trust in God.

First, let me put this foundation down.

When I started podcasting, the podcast
was called The Catholic Experience.

The Catholic Experience was supposed
to be a podcast where I talk about my

experience in living life as a Catholic.

I was going to make it a little
richer with some, uh, you know,

interviewing people talking
about the sacraments and stuff.

I mean, talking about the sack,
the lived experience of the

sacraments, things like that.

And then interviewing people who can
speak with better authority and education

about, let's just say, for instance,
uh, the sacrament of confession, who

can talk about that better than I can.

So, It's appropriate that I use
this platform, the platform of

the Catholic Experience podcast,
to talk about my experience in

trying and failing to trust in God.

So I'm not really here just talking
about myself, I'm not really here

to vent, although I guess there's
going to be some venting, but that's

really not the point of this episode.

The point of this episode is to
share my experience with you,

because it may speak to your heart.

It may speak to your experience,
you understand, or it may clue you

into an experience you don't have
right now, but you may have later.

And later when you experience what I'm
sharing with you, you'll understand,

you know what, this is normal.

I won't freak out.

I won't lose hope.

This is normal.

I know it's normal because I
listened to some stranger talk

about it in a podcast once.

Okay, so this is not, I am going
to talk about myself and about my

experience, but it's not because I
want to put myself in a spotlight.

It's only to share it with you because
it may educate, inform, and edify

you and help you in your own Catholic
experience, your own Catholic adventure.

Okay?

So, let's get on with it.

Trusting in God is very difficult for me.

Very, very difficult.

Probably because trusting,
period, is difficult for me.

And maybe trusting anything or
anyone is difficult for everybody.

Maybe some of us find it
more difficult than others.

I don't know.

All I can do is tell
you about my experience.

My experience is It's
hard to trust anybody.

And so, because it's hard to trust,
period, it's hard to trust in God.

I've been reading a book lately.

I think it's called, I
don't have it with me.

It's, it's, I don't have it with me, but
I think it's called How to How to acquire

peace, how to find and maintain peace.

It's written by a French priest.

It's very good.

One of the things that he
talks about a lot is trust.

And I'm reading, as I read this
book, I'm thinking, Yeah, all of

this, everything he says makes sense.

You know, you have to have goodwill
in order to have interior peace.

You have to be a person of goodwill.

That's biblical.

It's scriptural.

And one of the things that he talks
about is you have to trust in God's

providence in order to have interior
peace because when you trust that God

is going to take care of everything, you
have no reason to worry about anything.

I kind of get that part a little
because I talk all the time

about how whatever's happening in
politics doesn't really worry me.

It annoys me sometimes,
but doesn't worry me.

Whatever's happening in the church doesn't
really worry me, and I say this all

the time, because I know that God wins.

So why should I be worried about
how we get from here to there?

If I know that there, God wins,
why should I worry about what

transpires between now and then?

I don't.

I really don't.

You could have some crazy Catholic
cleric say the nuttiest borderline

or over the line heretical thing,
and it won't worry me in the least.

In fact, I laugh at it.

Because I know God is going to
make fools of people like these.

Or people like that.

So I sort of get that part.

If, so I will reword what he's saying.

If you know that God wins,
why, why do you worry?

Well, I have that part down.

In terms of, you know, I
don't worry about the church.

I don't worry about my country
and, you know, things like this.

But now when it becomes more
personal, I have less trust.

I do.

I have less trust.

Even as I read this book talking about
trusting in God because you have to

have perfect faith in God because,
trust, trust, trust, because even

as I read this I'm shaking my head
going yeah, I get all that but I, I,

that's not been my experience at all.

That has not been my experience.

Jesus himself and this is
kind of paraphrasing something

that was in the book.

Jesus says you know, why should
you worry about your food?

You know, you're more important
than the birds and God feeds them.

Why should you worry about
what you're going to wear?

Or being able to afford to dress yourself?

You know, being able to
afford your essential needs.

Or being able to provide
for your essential needs,

or the needs of your family.

The essential needs of your family.

And one of the examples
he gives is clothing.

Why worry about what you're going to wear?

Look at the lilies of the field.

Aren't you more important than the
lilies of the field, or the field

itself, which I guess, I guess the
scripture is saying that the field is

dressed in the lilies, so why worry?

And as I'm reading stuff like this in
the book, I'm thinking, yeah, but, no.

No, no, and in a second first, I'm
going to explain to you why no, and

then I'm going to kind of circle
it back to make another point.

That's a little bit more positive.

So work with me here.

So I'm reading this and
thinking, yeah, but no.

Well, why no?

Why is that so hard for me to do?

I mean, I believe it with my head.

I believe it in my head.

I don't believe it in my heart.

I, I, I, I just don't.

Why?

Because I feel like I've put myself
out on the line only to be left

there or, or hung there by my throat.

When I've tried to trust in God.

Then the question is, this is gonna,
this is a little foreshadowing

of what I'm gonna circle back to.

Then the question becomes, did
I really put my trust in God?

But that's, that's a conversation for
a little bit later on in this episode.

Did I really put my trust in God?

Conversation for later.

Anyway, there have been times that I put
it all, all, all on the line in my life.

Saying, God will see it through.

And then I've been like,
right through the coals.

God Where I've been left feeling like
God didn't really see this through.

Why is God doing this to me?

Why is God doing this to my family?

Why is God allowing this?

Why did God lead me here?

And, and, especially at the
times when the me is not just

me, but the me is my family.

Right, so, after I came out of
the Marine Corps, I was unemployed

for I don't remember how long.

Okay, the me there is just me.

There's no one relying on my income.

The only one suffering is me.

But then a couple of years ago, I
was employed again for the first

time ever since the Marine Corps.

And just to put this out there, I
have been working since I was 12.

So to be a grown adult and out of
work, to be out of work following the

Marine Corps, it's not so shocking.

Right.

'cause you, you didn't get
fired, you didn't lose your job.

You were in the military.

You came outta the military.

Now you have to find a new job.

That's not so shocking.

But to be a grown adult in the middle
of your career and to be to, to find

yourself out of work, that's shocking.

And now the me is not just me anymore.

Now the me is my family.

Why is God doing this to me and my family?

Why did God lead me and my family?

Here, to this desert, to this
tribulation, to this whatever.

And my, my unemployment a couple
of years ago, and for those of

you who don't know, I'm no longer
unemployed, thanks be to God.

Uh, so don't worry about me, I'm okay.

My unemployment came
sort of in two phases.

The first phase was near unemployment.

I'm not going to give details.

The first phase was near unemployment
and a dramatic, dramatic reduction

in my, in my income, my revenue.

Okay.

Trust in God.

I will hope in Him, in in him still.

I begin looking for work.

I was still working.

I just was . I was just barely getting
paid for it, but I was still working.

So along this process, I'm looking
now for new work and lemme tell you,

it, it was not going well at all.

It was not going well.

Well at all.

In, along this timeline of my,
so my unemployment basically

happened in two phases.

One, I was still working but wasn't
getting paid, or was barely getting paid.

And then,

I found a new job that wasn't really
paying me enough, but it was the

only job I could find after almost
a year of looking for a job in

preparation for my current job ending.

Okay.

So in preparation for that, I was looking
for a new job, wasn't finding anything.

I got something else.

I'm not going to say what.

It wasn't illegal or anything.

I just don't like giving
too many personal details.

Got this new job that wasn't
paying me what I thought I needed.

About a month into finding that new job,
my current job or my old job went under.

Okay, now I'm not unemployed.

I was just being paid like I
was unemployed for about a year.

Found this new job,
then my old job folded.

But at least I have this new job.

But it's paying me, I don't know, maybe
10, 000, 15, 000 less, maybe 10, 000

less than what What I thought I needed.

This is by crunching the numbers.

Okay.

This is not just suspicion.

I went through the numbers many,
many, many times over the course of

a year searching for work, right?

Saying yes or no, according to
what they, what salary they were

offering my qualifications and so on.

So I knew what salary I needed and
this new job that I found, thanks

be to God, you know, at the time was
paying me less than what I needed, but

I thought, you know what, I'm going to
hope in the Lord and trust Him still.

If this is the job He sent me, then
this is the only money that I need.

Well, it turned out that was not true.

As much as I put my faith
in God, that was not true.

And financially, we were sinking.

Slowly sinking.

After about a year, that job folded.

New leadership.

New employees, current employees,
for reasons X or Y or Z.

It's not dramatic and
the details don't matter.

I lost that job after about a year.

So my first issue was, I felt, and I
believed, if this is what this job is

paying me, then this is what I need.

But it turned out not to be true.

Lost that job, then I was out
of work for about a year again.

And this was my first time
being really out of work.

And my first time, really,
I've been out of work twice.

Once after the Marine Corps, which
as I said, that's understandable.

That's not really losing your job,
that's just leaving the military.

So, and then once, you
know, a couple of years ago.

So, really, it's my, it was
my first time losing a job.

I mean, it's a little more
complicated than that, but I'm

just trying to keep it simple.

And now there's a family
relying on my rent, my income.

You, can you imagine the stress of that?

Can you imagine the humiliation?

Trying to get unemployment?

Which, by the way, they really don't
want to give you that unemployment money.

Even though it's your
money, you've paid into it.

And in my case, I was paying
into it at least 20 years.

At least 20 years.

Probably closer to like 25 years, maybe.

They really don't want to give you that
unemployment and once they finally agree

to give you that unemployment After
they've made you sing and dance for it.

They really don't give you very
much money and Then they only give

it to you for four to six months in
my case I think I think they would

they gave it to me for five months.

I think unemployment imagine that
humiliation imagine the stress of

literally literally Asking yourself
at the store, do I have enough

money for this loaf of bread?

I bought these things, these
food groceries that I need.

Okay.

I'm checking out.

I pay.

Oh, I forgot.

I also need a loaf of bread.

Damn.

Do I have enough money on
this unemployment card to

pay for that loaf of bread?

Which is that happened.

I did.

I just barely had enough
left to buy a loaf of bread.

Can you imagine that?

But, we ate.

We ate.

I had no peace, but we ate.

My kids ate.

My kids never went hungry.

I'll go back to that in a second.

Okay, so we ate.

I'm going to skip the whole
drama of following Well,

I'll just tell you this much.

Then, by surprise, my
unemployment got cut off.

By surprise, by oversight, by deception.

Who knows?

A combination of all three.

I was not expecting it
to get cut off then.

It was cut off then.

No unemployment.

No money.

Nothing.

Nothing.

And boy, that was a bad day.

Boy, oh boy, that was a bad day.

How am I going to tell my wife this?

What am I going to say to my kids
when there's no money for X or for Y?

Not that we live luxurious lives.

We don't.

When there's no money, just for,
for example, no money for, you know,

summer camp, a couple of days a
week, whatever, whatever, whatever.

So now I'm facing that all the
while praying to God, praying

for the intercession of the
saints to get me back to work.

I was out of work for about a year and
through that year I was very actively,

very aggressively looking for a new job.

I was applying for everything.

I was lying in my cover letters.

Well, not lying.

Perhaps embellishing.

In some of them.

Mostly I was applying for jobs
I knew I was well qualified for.

I was applying for jobs that I
was massively overqualified for.

I was telling folks, listen.

You may find that I'm overqualified
for this job, but I'm here to

tell you I have mouths to feed.

I don't care.

What work I get.

I don't care.

I'm not going to work here for
a month and then, you know, skip

town to the next better job.

I don't care.

It's not about that.

I have mouths to feed and I need this job.

Don't, if you think I'm un, I'm
overqualified, don't worry about it.

I'm a loyal employee.

Tried everything.

Step and fetch, sing
and dance, everything.

Very aggressively trying to find work.

Work never showed up.

Humbly, and I, and I, and
I want to say flat out.

There were places, there were
organizations and companies that really,

really made a bad decision not hiring me.

Very bad decision, because there were
a couple of ones that I was like the

perfect hand in glove, the perfect fit.

Oh, well, I wish I could have them
here in front of me right now and say,

you see what a stupid thing you did?

There's one company actually
that really, really needed

someone like me with my, my man.

Folks, I always say I am not
the best at anything that I do.

And it's true.

I am not the best graphic designer.

I am not the best web designer.

I am not the best broadcas No Noth
There is nothing that I do that

I can say, I'm the best at that.

I am not the best at anything that I do.

But, I am the best at
doing everything that I do.

Pick any single thing that I can
do, my skill set, my experience.

You will find people who do it
better, but they can't do all

of the other things, at all.

Forget about adequately,
they can't do them at all.

And I was up front with that
in some of my cover letters.

I'm not the best at anything that
I do, but I'm telling you, I am

the best at doing everything.

And by the way, here's some names,
companies, and phone numbers, and you

can verify all of my statements yourself.

I was very up front, you know.

Of course, I worded it more
professionally and more kindly than

that, but Still, work would not come.

So through that year of very aggressively
looking for work, I'm starting to get

really pissed off at God at this point.

You know, and I would say things to
him like, you know, God, I, maybe

you're trying to teach me something,
okay, but leave my family out of it.

Because my family is suffering over this.

After about a year, man,
I was so angry at God.

You, you could, you could try to
cut my anger with a knife, but a

knife would never go through it.

It was so thick.

I was so angry at God.

I'll get to that tantrum in a second.

Through that year trying to find
work, I also started podcasting.

And this apostolate, the Catholic
Adventurer, was no longer just me

sharing my experience with you.

Now I was trying to, now I had
started an LLC, Fiat Media.

Which was basically, basically
what I do here is what I was, you

know, offering to do for other
organizations, parishes, and whatnot.

Web hosting, web design, producing
podcasts, things like this.

It was not going well.

So basically I did that a little
before I lost my job because

I kind of smelled it coming.

So I started the LLC, started marketing
stuff, hitting up the socials and so on.

It was going nowhere inside
of the first few months.

It was going nowhere or inside of the
first few weeks really was going nowhere.

So my plan, not, it wasn't a plan B,
but an addition to my strategy was I

was going to do a podcast of my own too,
so that I had a product to point to.

You know, for potential clients.

And also to kind of build my,
um, build the brand a little bit.

And then, there was the
Catholic Experience.

It only occurred to me a couple of months
ago that the Catholic Experience, as much

as I've been trying to build that brand,
I started that brand in a state of panic.

I didn't start the brand because I
felt like podcasting, because believe

me, I did not feel like podcasting.

I'd spent my time in broadcast, I didn't
want to spend any more time in broadcast.

I just wanted to produce.

So, started the Catholic Experience
in a state of panic, and as a strategy

to try and build revenue or build
the potential for revenue building.

And boy, did I work my ass off
trying to build this brand, man.

Boy, did I hit those socials hard.

Boy, did I put time into
producing a show as tight as I

can produce it being one person.

Right?

Worked really hard trying to put
together good shows and some of

them were not great, you know.

But a lot of them, I mean, at
least half of them, I put a lot

of time and effort into them.

Look at my download numbers.

Remember, I'm unemployed now, so
I'm putting a lot on this podcast.

Look at my download numbers.

Four downloads, six
downloads, twenty downloads.

I remember one episode I produced.

I think it was called,
Beware the Two Churches.

It is probably my best episode.

Probably that is my best produced episode.

Although I think there are
others, but if I had to point to

one, I would point to that one.

Beware the two churches.

That's probably my best produced episode.

That episode to date has 50 downloads.

Five.

Zero.

Fifty.

And I can't tell you the hell I
went through producing that show.

For 50 downloads.

That's a five and a zero.

Fifty.

And then there was another
episode that I produced.

I don't remember what it was called.

But it took me like two weeks, I think,
maybe three, to produce that one episode.

Because I was so busy taking care of my
family, looking for work, and so on, I

had to produce that in seg in pieces.

Okay?

Which is actually hard to do.

To to produce it in pieces and then make
it come off like one contiguous episode.

I I had a news segment in
there that I call The Pulse.

The Pulse.

I had to redo the news segment
because by the time the episode was

finished, The news was three weeks old.

It made no sense.

So I worked really hard cobbling that
show together and I do remember I was

very proud of what I wound up with.

I don't know what the download
numbers on that were, what the

numbers were when I last looked at it.

This was months ago.

Months ago that I last looked at it.

But I remember it was really pathetic.

It was worse than 50.

It was like really, really pathetic.

The anguish over producing that show.

Squeezing in a couple more
minutes of recording time here.

A couple more minutes
of recording time there.

Doing, and the news segment was very hard
to, The Pulse news segment is not just

me reading the news and talking about it.

That's planned.

You know, it's a long story.

I'm not going to get into it.

But it was a lot of work that went into
that episode, a lot, an awful lot of

work squeezing it in anywhere I could,
up really early in the morning because

this was the only time I had to squeeze
into it, going to bed really late at

night, and download numbers were pathetic.

Try to send socials.

Nobody taps like, nobody
Shares it, nothing.

Zero, nothing.

Then, you can imagine how much more
angry I'm getting at God, right?

Because I went into this, and
this is part of the story, okay,

and it's part of the lesson.

I went into Fiat Media.

I built the brand, and I, you
know, and it wasn't on a whim.

There was planning, there was strategy.

I bounced it off of a few very
respectable people in media.

I bounced it off of a
few priests that I know.

You know, I, there, there was some
market research behind that, okay?

That was not a whim, that was not an
impulse, there was planning there.

And I went into it thinking, I really feel
strongly that God wants me to do this.

And for reasons I won't get into, but
things were just kind of clicking,

you know, I guess intellectually.

Things things were just clicking with it.

And then there was this sense, this sort
of a spiritual sense that I had, which

don't, those aren't always from God, by
the way, but There was this spiritual

sense that I had that the hand of God is
with this brand, is with this product.

This is where God wants me to go.

It doesn't make sense
because I'm out of work.

Right?

So I have to get really clever if I
expect to build a business and I don't

believe myself to be that damn clever.

But I really felt strongly this is where
God was bringing me next and it all seemed

to make sense based on my long experience
in media, you know, in production,

development, my long experience
working, you know, for the church, in

the church, with the church, whatever.

It all just seemed to make sense.

Okay, so this is what I'll do.

Now, it's a year, almost, of pushing
like hell and going absolutely nowhere.

Having placed my total faith and
trust in God to bring it somewhere.

Went absolutely nowhere.

To this day, it's gone absolutely nowhere.

If I get 12 downloads on any
podcast, it's like amazing.

12, 13, if you, if I get 20 downloads,
that's like holy cow, this one blew up.

20 downloads.

I don't think I've gotten
20 downloads on a podcast.

Maybe in a year.

It's that bad.

I send out letters or emails, make
phone calls trying to market fiat

media to this potential client, that
potential client, this priest, that

priest, trying to get interviews from
this theologian, that priest, another

theologian, someone else, yada.

And only to get in response, Nope, Nope,
Nope, Nope, Nope, Nope, Nope, Nope, Nope.

I can't, I couldn't, I haven't, I
don't have enough fingers and toes

to count how many no's I received.

You know, in business you expect
to hear a good number of no's.

But you expect to gain some traction
in possible interest or, you know, no

for now but maybe later sort of thing.

Nothing.

Interviews for the podcast?

I mean, I did have a few yeses.

You'll see them in the catalog.

One, two, I think maybe three yeses.

Out of easily 50 requests
from 50 different people.

Priests, theologians,
ordinary people, whatever.

At least 50.

At least 50.

Only two or three have ever said yes.

So I keep driving into this brick wall.

All the time.

Believing this is what God
wants, and God will make it work.

All I have to do is put the
pieces in place, be intelligent

about it, work the business.

I can't just sit around and, you know,
wait for business to fall on my lap.

But all I have to do is put the pieces
in place, you know, the production

pieces, build the websites, whatever.

Put the pieces in place, and do the
work, and God will see it through.

I don't expect it to be Apple computer,
you know, inside of 12 months.

Of course, I'm not expecting
something like that, but I

did expect to gain traction.

So, even the slightest bit
of traction, but none came.

Now,

let's go back.

So, I lost, so during that
year, I lost my unemployment.

And then, maybe, I don't know,
two months after that, I don't

know how long a time it passed.

This was maybe eight
months into unemployment.

And I laid down fire and brimstone on God.

I was so, so mad.

I was so, I was seeing red.

I was so mad.

I was so fed up.

And I let God know.

I let God know I was so fed
up that he let me down here.

He let me down there.

What was this Lord?

Why would you do that?

And this other thing Lord?

Why did you make my
family go through that?

I mean my you know, my my siblings and
and and mother and whatever I went through

a whole list litany and a whole history
of things What the hell was that Lord?

What was that?

Why this?

Why that?

How could you?

Why do you?

Oh, God.

I, I wasn't literally dizzy with
rage, but I think it's a good

metaphor to be dizzy with rage.

I was so mad.

I was so mad.

I never lost my faith,
which is kind of a miracle.

You don't, you have no
idea how angry I was.

That was actually, I
think it was last Lent.

This, this tantrum happened either
LA it was during Lent, so it was

either last lent or the one before.

Miracle never lost my faith.

Man.

I was so mad.

I was so mad.

Not just disappointed.

Well, yeah, disappointed and,
and, and angry trust in God.

I will hope him hope in him
still, my savior and my God.

That's what the scripture says.

This priest who wrote that book that I
was telling you about just a minute ago.

Trust in God's providence.

The whole time I'm thinking,
yeah, I tried that.

More than once.

Trust in God's providence.

You see, the lesson that he's trying, that
the priest is trying to teach is this.

You have to give God the opportunity
to show you that you can trust Him.

We rely on ourselves so much, and I know
that to be true, we rely on ourselves

so much that we don't give Him space.

We don't give him room.

An analogy the priest, um,
offers is you don't know that

you can trust the parachute
until you jump and pull the cord.

You don't know that you can trust
it until you experience trusting

the parachute, and you can't
experience trusting the parachute

if you don't jump out of the plane.

If you don't take that leap
of faith in the parachute.

That's true.

I agree.

That's true.

And what I want to say is, Hey.

I tried that already.

And you know what?

Freakin parachute did not open.

I'll wait now for you
to explain that to me.

Tried it.

Did not go well.

And there's no resolution, folks.

That's where my heart is now.

I trust in God in theory.

I trust Him to take care of all of you.

I trust I shouldn't say in theory.

I do trust Him to take
care of me and my family.

But I don't really trust Him.

You know, I'm always, I'm
always looking for a plan B.

Okay, so if God screws me
here, what will I do there?

It's a terrible way to think, you know.

I'm not vulgar with God, this
is just how I talk, you know.

It's hard to trust God
because I've been there, man.

I've been there.

And I really, listen
carefully to how I word this.

I really feel like I've been
let down more than once.

But here's what I will not say,
because my heart forbids me to say it.

Here's what I will not say.

I know God has let me down more than once.

What do I say instead?

I feel like God has let
me down more than once.

You see, I know that the problem is me.

I don't know where I'm, where the
problem is, but I know the problem is me.

I know that God didn't fail me
because I truly believe He doesn't.

So, what I say instead is, I
feel like God has failed me.

What was the story with
that unemployment run?

What was the story there?

Huh, I don't know man, but I'm
going to ask him at Judgment Day.

But I'll ask him super, super nicely.

What was the deal with that, Lord?

Like, why would he bring my
family through that for a year?

And, you know, it's so weird because a
year to the day, almost a year to the day

that I lost my job, I found a new job.

Isn't that crazy?

A good job, too.

Almost a year to the day.

So, I just feel like God has let
me down, and that's what makes

it so hard to really trust.

To really trust.

But I know the problem is me.

I know that it is.

I know that God is faithful.

I know the problem is my view of things.

My feeling of things.

I know that, but I feel what I feel.

I don't know why I had that, so that one
job I had that wasn't paying me enough,

I don't know what the deal was with that.

I said, with total faith, I know
Lord that this is enough money

for me if this is the job you sent
me, but it wasn't enough money.

What was the deal with that?

I don't know.

Maybe that job was a precursor
to the job I have now.

Could be.

That could be.

I know that there are things
that we don't always see.

So it could be that.

It could be that that job that didn't
pay me enough was a link to a larger

chain that's still being built.

Maybe I haven't arrived at the last link.

Right?

Maybe it's even larger than this.

And it's still being built.

And I'm going to look back on
that job and say, you know what?

Even though that job
wasn't paying me enough.

So that job taught me something
that's necessary to this bigger story,

which I don't, I can't see that now,
but it's probably true, you know?

And then, so problem number one
is, is my limited view of things.

Problem number two is, is my,
my feeling of things, right?

Problem number three is, I have
to ask myself, did I really

trust in God those times?

I don't know.

It's possible that I really
didn't and I was just convincing

myself that I really was.

That's possible.

I'll tell you this though.

There have been periods in my life
where I thought this or that aspect of

my faith was so sincere and so genuine.

And then years later I look back on it and
say, you know what, no, that was bullshit.

It wasn't sincere.

That aspect, whatever the aspect of
faith is, that was not actually sincere.

I thought it was at the time.

But looking back on it now, hindsight
being 20 20, I know that was not sincere.

I know it was not sincere.

So did I really have perfect faith
in God when I started Fiat Media?

To this day, I will tell you, yes, I did.

But it will not surprise me if in a year
or two years or ten years, I look back on

that, it would not surprise me if looking
back on that, I say, you know what?

I did not have perfect faith.

I was just convincing myself
that I had perfect faith.

I just wanted to do this because I was
panicking, and then I was going to say,

Here God, now do something with it.

Maybe.

I don't think so, but it wouldn't surprise
me if in a year or two or ten, whatever,

I look back on it and say, You know what?

I didn't have perfect faith.

The problem I know, my friends, is me.

I know the problem is me.

Do you have perfect faith in God?

Do you have faith if somebody hands
you, if you're up in a plane and

someone hands you a backpack and
says, here, it's a parachute, jump.

Let's say it's Jesus telling you that.

Here, it's a parachute, jump.

Do you have perfect faith?

That it is a parachute and that
it will open and that it won't be

defective and that it will carry
you safely back to the earth?

Planting your feet back on solid ground?

I think there are people in the world
who do have perfect faith in God.

I know my mother did, which is If I
had to point to one person who had so

many reasons to not have perfect faith
in God, I would point to my mother.

And yet, my mother had the faith of
a saint in God and His providence.

And that's, I'm going to tell you, when
I had that tantrum with God, that was

one of the things that I pointed to.

Why did you let her live the
kind of life she had to live?

Why did you allow all of that?

She loved you, because my mother
was, was gone at that point.

She loved you, she trusted you,
this and that, and she never

stopped loving you or trusting you.

And still, you just, just year after year
after year after year after year after

year, you just let things get worse.

And I'm, I'm gonna tell you guys flat out.

One of the things I said to him
is, What the hell is your problem?

I didn't swear at God, but I
really did get that, that bold.

I did.

And I don't believe it's sinful.

If that's what's in your heart, and
that's what you have to express.

And there were, you know, during
that tantrum, I did say, You know,

Lord, I'm sorry for feeling this way.

I don't want to be disrespectful,
but this is how I feel.

What the hell is your
problem with my family?

What was your problem with my mother?

I was that blunt.

And God knows that I wasn't
being that blunt to offend Him.

I was just being that blunt because
this is what I was feeling in my heart

and this is what I needed to express.

That's all.

You know?

Anyway, that's between me and God.

God knows what the score is.

There are people in the world,
my mother was one of them,

who had perfect faith in God.

Perfect, perfect faith in God.

Oftentimes without having a reason to.

Without having a rational, or what
we would see as rational, reason

to have perfect faith in God.

And it continues to be unbelievable to me.

Do you have faith enough to say,
Lord, what do you want from me?

Tell me.

And I'll do it.

I will do anything.

Just tell me what you want from me.

I will do anything.

Do you have that perfect faith?

Where you say, God, I will do anything.

Just tell me what it is you want.

Do you have perfect faith to say that?

Or are you going to be
afraid of what he responds?

I would be afraid what he tells me.

Lord, tell me what you want from me.

And I'll consider it very seriously.

That's as, that's about
as far as I can go.

I'll consider it very seriously.

I don't have perfect faith enough to
say, Lord, what do you want from me?

I'll do anything.

I don't have that faith.

I want to, but I don't.

This is not an episode where I say, I want
to, and so here's what I'm going to do.

I have no answers, my friends.

I have no resolution.

I have no path forward.

Other than to let God work it out.

And maybe that's a sense of perfect faith.

Maybe.

I don't know what to do about
my issues with trusting in God.

What I do know is, it's a problem.

It's not a problem I want to
take into eternity with me.

I want to resolve it before my, my
final days on earth, whenever that is.

Could be tomorrow, who the hell knows?

It's something that I want resolved, but
it's something I have to let God work out.

It's something I have to co I
have to cooperate with that.

I have to cooperate with that.

But it's something God has to work
out, because I don't have the answers.

Again, I'm just sharing this with you
because this may speak to your heart.

It may speak to your experience.

It may be valuable to you now or later.

Do you have faith strong enough
where you can say to God,

whatever you want, I'll do it?

Do you have faith strong enough
where you can find yourself in a

situation that's truly catastrophic
and just shrug your shoulders and

say, I know God will see it through.

I'll do what I can.

Amen.

I'll do what I must, but I'm
not going to worry about it.

I know God will see it through.

Again, I have known people
who had that kind of faith.

Is that you?

Well, God bless you.

And if it isn't you, you
should know you're not alone.

Trusting in God is hard.

It's hard for fallen human beings.

It's just hard.

And those who have established sincere
trust in God, they have something else

that they struggle with that maybe you
and I don't struggle with, you know.

We all have our crosses.

We all have our blessings.

We all have our quote unquote
curses in this Catholic adventure.

But if you're someone who has sincere, we
can put the word perfect in quotes because

maybe only the saints have perfect trust.

I don't know.

We can, you might say, well I have
really super strong faith in God

but I feel funny calling it perfect.

Okay, we can put the
word perfect in quotes.

If you're someone who has rock
solid faith in God even though you

wouldn't call it quite perfect, I'm
telling you that's a blessing and

you really should thank God for it.

And I ask you please to pray
for those of us who don't.

who love the Lord, who, who desire God,
and have all of this stuff is in the right

place, except it's hard to trust in Him.

We're not there yet.

If you're someone who is there now,
please pray for the rest of us who aren't.

Now, let me bring this episode to a close.

This is much longer than
I intended it to be.

I feel like I say that with every episode.

Well, let me, let me do this.

First, I want to tell you where
I stand with my apostolate.

I've been very uninspired lately.

I've, I've been feeling very defeated
with, I mean, I just have to admit, you

know, what I'm doing is, has just failed.

It's not taken off.

It's not found legs.

And maybe the product sucks.

I can accept that.

I can accept that.

I'm mostly working on Substack now.

I do my writing there.

I publish my podcast there.

And I do Substack Notes, which is sort
of like a Twitter, but without nut jobs.

CatholicAdventurer.

substack.

com Join me on Twitter.

The adventure continues there.

And I was, you know, I was very positive
and really enthusiastic about Twitter.

Uh, not Twitter, about, uh,
coming back to Substack.

Now that I'm back on Substack,
I'm like, you know what?

I'm so tired of failing.

And this is the truth.

I'm being very, very honest with you.

I'm so tired of failing at this.

I just don't want to do it anymore.

I, I just don't.

I'm just so sick of it.

I'm just really sick of it.

And then I have to, and there's,
there's more to this story,

so don't tune me out yet.

And then I think back, you know, why
did I start this in the first place?

I just started this to write the
occasional blog post as a service to

the Holy Virgin after my consecration.

That, that's all that
this was supposed to be.

I reached a point in, in my personal
development, you know, my spiritual

formation, you know, um, self recognition.

I reached a point where I realized
I am a communicator, I'm a Catholic

communicator, that's what God made when
he made me, that's what God produced

as he formed me through my life.

I am a Catholic communicator, I should be
communicating more than just once a month.

'cause that's about as frequently
as I was posting a po a, a blog was

about once a month, so I promised
for a year I was going to take

the apostate much more seriously.

So for a year, that's what I did.

I was producing a lot of graphics
and producing a lot of blogs,

a lot of essays and stuff.

For about a year.

I promised I'd do it for a year.

After that, I think it was either
inside of that year or after that

year, was when I lost my job.

And so, the apostolate became about
trying to, it basically became

about revenue, or, or marketability,
or possibly even discovery.

You know, it basically became You know, it
was a panic strategy, not entirely a panic

strategy, but that was in part of it.

Okay.

Well, now I'm not unemployed.

I don't need to do this anymore.

And I satisfied my promise to God
to take this seriously for one year.

I'm a Catholic communicator.

That's what you made in me, Lord.

I promise I'm going to take this
very seriously for one year.

Well, I did that.

In fact, I went one
year beyond my promise.

Now I don't have to do this anymore,
and I'm so sick of running into

the brick wall, I feel like maybe
I just won't do this anymore.

Maybe I just won't.

And I don't know if I just won't, and
I don't know if I will still continue.

What I do know is I'm going
to be operating really here on

Substack, catholicadventurer.

substack.

com I do essays, I do
podcasts, that's about it.

If you want to come and check it out.

You know, I haven't exactly made
a big splash on Substack either,

but here's what I'm feeling, folks.

I am a Catholic communicator.

It's Lent, and maybe God wants me to
be a little bit more still and quiet.

By the way, I'm having a very good Lent.

That's what I'm going to conclude
the show with in just a second.

Maybe God wants me to be quiet and still.

for Lent.

And maybe God is, is, is
done putting me to work.

I don't know.

But what I do know about
myself is I am a communicator.

That is what God made in me.

And if not now, then likely at some
point later, I'm going to want to

open my mouth either in an, in a
blog slash essay or on a podcast.

I can't imagine I'm going to be
able to just shut my mouth forever.

So am I going to keep doing this?

I'm going to keep the, I'm going
to keep the the channel open.

I'm not going to commit myself to a
regular schedule where I'm producing

a podcast a week and an essay and
the, I'm not doing that, but I don't

think it's rational to think I can
just go away and I'll be satisfied.

I don't think, I don't think
God has brought me there.

So for now, I'm just saying a lot less.

I'm just saying a whole lot less.

I don't need to do this, and
I'm tired of trying and failing.

Again, this is just me
being honest with you.

I'm not looking for pity.

I'm just sharing my heart with you.

I'm tired of trying and failing, and I
just don't want to try and fail anymore.

And if all of my efforts are going to
lead to failure, then why should I try?

That's kind of where my heart is.

So what I think I need to do is
step back a little bit and not

take it so seriously as I had been.

And just write things or podcast
things as things come up.

Things that are sincere,
where this is really my heart.

This is not just me trying to
cobble together an interesting show.

This is really what's in my heart.

For instance, this episode
that you're listening to now.

That's what I will commit
to when something comes.

And this is what, this
is really how I started.

As things come up.

Inspiration comes up, then
I'll do something about it.

That's how things started, so
maybe that's where it's going now.

Now let's talk about, let's
talk about the positive.

If you're following me, which most
of you probably are not, follow me

on Substack Notes, and I guess on
Substack too, I think I wrote a little

blog about it, how I, I do not go into
Lent With any optimism at all, because

the past, I want to say three or four
lents, the past three or four seasons

of Lent have been a disaster for me.

People assume, well, it's because
you probably tried to give something

up and, and you failed, you know,
you tried to give up or not give

up, but you tried to abstain from,
I don't know, drinking, whatever.

Not, not, I don't mean like a drunkard.

I mean, you know, just abstain
from any alcohol and you failed.

Oh, well, no big deal.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh boy.

I wish it could be so simple.

The past several seasons of Lent have
been hard on my life, on my peace.

My peace of mind, my peace
of heart, my peace of soul.

Lost a My Remember I said I
lost my job in two phases?

The first phase happened during Lent.

The second phase happened during Lent.

I lost my mother during Lent.

It was Ash Wednesday that year.

And Lent has never been the same since.

That temper tantrum I told you about.

That, that explosion of anger.

Well, I was feeling all
of that during Lent.

That really came to a head during Lent.

And so I just don't look
forward to Lent anymore.

In fact, I'm terrified of it.

But

this year I decided I'm just going
to point my nose toward the storm.

This is a boat analogy.

I'm not talking about the nose on my face.

Point my nose.

Well, I guess the nose
on my face works too.

Point my nose toward
the storm and just go.

I'm not gonna go hard.

I'm just gonna point my
nose toward the storm

and just gonna face what
the storm throws at me.

Hey, wouldn't you know it?

I'm actually having a good land.

Maybe that's perfect faith.

Maybe that's perfect faith.

Or not again, I'm putting
perfect in quotes.

Maybe that's perfect faith.

Just going to point my nose to the storm.

Okay, Lord, what are you going
to throw at me this year?

That's, that's not even really a joke.

I literally said that.

I literally said that to God.

And let me tell you where
he's taken me so far.

Folks, have you ever been on the
road, like on a highway or something,

and you think, boy, the traffic's
really moving great, and then as

soon as you say that, there's a
traffic jam, like 30 seconds later?

A traffic jam, and you're sitting
in traffic now for two hours?

Okay, here goes.

Lent is going pretty good.

Hopefully it stays that way.

I have been more quiet because I'm
not doing the apostolate so actively.

I've, I've been able to be quieter.

I mean, you know, a more, a more
quieted mind and a more quieted heart.

I've been able to devote
myself to my family more.

Not that I was, you know, taking a
lot of time away from them to do the

apostolate, but I was, I was, the time
that I spent on the apostolate was

time I was not giving to my family.

Whether it was a little time,
a tiny bit of time, or a lot

of time, it's irrelevant.

So I'm able to spend
more time on my family.

I've stopped all social media except
for substack notes, which I don't

really consider that social media.

I've stopped all social media.

I can't take the craziness.

I mean even, even if all I'm doing
is reading, you really have to

subject yourself to craziness.

I can't take it.

I don't want it.

So

that's been the case with X.

That's been the case with TikTok.

Facebook is is another big fat fail,
but Fa Facebook's algorithm is so

deceptive it's like ridiculous.

I think I have like 2, 700 followers
on Facebook, and Facebook sends

my posts to like 6 to 10 of them.

Something like that.

It's like ridiculous.

Like 6 to 10.

Anyway, let me not get into that.

So, because I'm not socialing,
again, I have more time and space

for to for interior quietude.

I guess would would be
the way to put that.

Instead of thinking about what
I'm seeing on socials, I can

just think about my thoughts.

Think about what's going on in my heart.

Think about my family.

Think about God and, you know,
think about God without the lens

of how can this apply to a podcast.

Now I can just think about
God and holy things just for

themselves, just for them, you know?

I'm on.

A closer walk with Jesus.

I'm on a closer walk with
Jesus because of this.

Because I've been able to negate, take
away, neutralize these things that have

taken peace from my heart and mind.

These things that have taken my
time that, as it, and it, this is,

it's no one to blame but myself.

Don't think that I'm blaming, you
know, the algorithms or the socials

or the people, nothing like that.

No one to blame but myself.

So I've been able to take To neutralize
these things that took my time,

took my peace, took my attention.

And folks, when you're a communicator, I
mean an active communicator, actively in

media, whether you're writing or you're
podcasting, your mind is, is Unless you

develop a skill for turning it off, which
I don't have that skill, your mind is

always devoted to the product because
you're parsing everything and thinking,

how can I make a show about this?

How can I make a post about this?

How can I make a topic about this?

And so it's, even if it's not
something that you're thinking about,

like, you know, very strongly, very
prevalently, It is in your head.

It never leaves your mind, okay?

Unless you develop a skill to turn
it off, and, and a lot of people

in media don't have that skill.

I have it probably the least.

So I've been able to turn all
that off because now I don't

have to keep it turned on,

and it's still kind of a process that I'm
going through, you know, the turning off.

Mostly it's turned off, and so I've had
time to go on a closer walk with Jesus.

One where I just enjoy his company.

I listen for his voice,
but I don't wait for one.

I just enjoy his company.

At mass, before the blessed sacrament,
gazing at my favorite crucifix in

my church, which is a, it's a very,
it's a really, really nice crucifix.

A very kind of expressive corpus,
without being, without being overly

graphic, but it's still a little graphic.

And in the face of Jesus on that.

So spending time, you know, adoring Jesus
through the crucifix and things like

this, talking to Jesus, sharing my heart
with him differently developing different

habits of prayer and contemplation.

Um, yeah, I'm having a good and
holy Lent, which is something I've

prayed for every year, and it's
something I've always prayed for

all of you, a good and holy Lent.

So thanks be to God for that.

Maybe that's the fruit of that level
of trust that it took to say, Okay, I'm

just going to point my nose toward the
storm and whatever hits me, hits me.

See, the thing about having
so much trouble with trust

is I'm, I'm also tenacious.

And if I'm not careful, I have
a tendency to be reckless.

To cut off my nose to spite my face.

Maybe that's how I
balance my lack of faith.

Like, I don't trust you a bit, but
where else am I going to go, Lord?

You have the words of eternal life.

So, I don't trust you, but okay,
I'm going to stand here with my

nose pointed toward the storm.

That's tenacity and, and
just a little recklessness.

Maybe that's what God built into me
to help me counter my issues of trust.

So, thanks be to God.

It's, it's, it's a good Lent so far.

Please, Lord, let it
continue to be a good Lent.

And, uh, please, Lord, help me to
be not just a good fan of yours,

but a good friend of yours and a
good son to the Father in heaven.

And that's my prayer also
for all of you folks.

That's about gonna cut it.

I do hope that you will
join me at Substack.

Again, I'm not super active.

, um, you know, I, I post a couple
of times on a day on Substack

Notes if something grabs me.

I'm not trying to look for attention,
but if I do have a thought that's

noteworthy, I post it to Substack Notes.

Sometimes that becomes a, uh,
an actual essay slash blog.

Maybe once, I don't know.

I don't, I don't, I'm not super
active, but I'm alive there.

Catholicadventurer.

substack.

com.

The adventure continues there.

Thank you for joining me.

God bless you.

God be with you all Catholic
adventurer signing out of here.

See you on the rebound.

Bye bye.